Dressdecode: Armour

Someone once asked me the significance about the gold skull-and-crossbones pendant I’d often wear once upon a time and I’d laughed at his seemingly complex and obtuse theory of how it reflected my hidden macabre personality. “I’m wearing it cause it matches my outfit, you’re overthinking it…” I remember the slightly condescending tone I’d used.

Fast forward a year later and the last laugh’s on me. He was right in his own way, I pull out certain looks or accessories every once in a while that seem off-kilter to my usual personality. Depending on the company you ask, my taste has never really veered from the ‘classic chic’ or ‘casual glam’ vibe I tend to convey. (i.e. black, white, solid colors with a hint or two of sparkle or skin). I do have a penchant for luxurious textures and skins (PETA will probably not appreciate my love for croc, python and fur) albeit on a budget for now but even then, the wildest I’ll go would be leopard.

However, it dawned on me today that some of the pieces I have that others consider edgier and goth are one of the first few I’ll reach out for whenever I’m in an ambivalent mood.

“K, should I wear the dagger-shaped pendent, the leather cuff with metallic buckles or the PVC bondage-y boots?”

Today was such a day when I’d instinctively reached out for a grey turtleneck minidress (sombre? check), black oversized cardigan (warmth and practicality? check), PVCish black leggings (rockstar cred? check), gold dagger pendent lying precariously close to my heart (freudian symbol ready for dissection? check), white coat-of-arms oversized pendant (theme association alongside said dagger pendant? check) and floppy beret (item that obscures half of my face? check).

I was feeling slightly blah early on a Monday morning which I was certain would develop into the full-blown blues by mid-afternoon. Usually on days like these, I’ve no energy or interest in engaging my OCD habits of planning the perfect outfit so deciding what to wear takes 5 minutes instead of the usual 55. Even then, as I strode out of the house I started pondering on why did I decide to dress up so aggressively and ready to take on any motherf*cker coming my way.

And that’s when I had the brilliant epiphany that my closet goth reveals itself as my modern-day armour. A skull-and-crossbones necklace is a shield from the rest of the world but an obvious indicator that I’m feeling that odd mix of vulnerability and defensiveness. Exactly how Barthes describes why a lover might wear sunglasses:

“Yet, to hide a passion totally (or even to hide, more simply, its excess) is inconceivable: not because the human subject is too weak, but because passion is in essence made to be seen: the hiding must be seen: I want you to know that I am hiding something from you, that is the active paradox I must resolve: at one and the same time it must be known and not known: I want you to know that I don’t want to show my feelings: that is the message I address to the other. I advance pointing to my mask: I set a mask upon my passion, but with a discreet (and wily) finger I designate this mask”

I’d laughed then at his attempt to psychoanalyize me with my necklace because I assumed he was trying to break down my personality that very first day we met. I guess we just overlooked the fact that its not so much a reflection of my personality coming into play- just my armour trying to guard me from myself.